I'm in love

"I'm in love, I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!" - Buddy the Elf

I received my vanilla shakeology, but have been so hesitant to start using it because I hated the old chocolate one they had. So, today I started simple with just frozen strawberries and blueberries. Now, I don't crave sweet foods, so this was me makin myself try something healthy. But let me tell you, I LOVE it!! It is soooo amazing. Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom. Simple. Delish. Healthy. Happy. 

Got it?

Now I'm making some Kale chips for my afternoon snack. Mmmmmmmmm!

Just around the river bend...

For me, it's been easy to lose hope, or in other words, to lose patience. I get really impatient so I give up and have nothing to hold on to. Just yesterday morning, though, I was telling my husband how I felt hopeful. I told him I felt like I was figuring my crap out and that I can make big changes. I was positive. For a moment...

Then, I "heard" someone near to me explain to a friend not to ask if I was pregnant. And the friend asked, why? To which this person responded, "oh just because it's a touchy subject. This is just the biggest we've ever seen her."

WTF???

It's one thing to explain to someone you and I both barely know that maybe asking if I'm pregnant is not the best question because we've obviously been trying. But then to throw out that last part, it was completely unnecessary and irrelevant. 

So, for the past 27 hours I have been replaying those words over and over and over again. It's not easy to see someone so close to you say something like that. I mean, if anyone at all said that it would feel really hurtful!

So. Here I am. Discouraged to the max. Not understanding why I have some emotional relationship with food, but it turns out that I do. People think it's as easy as just eat healthy and workout. It could be. But when food is no longer fuel and becomes sort of a codependent personal relationship in your life, separating that bond is the hardest thing. My body and my emotions are addicted to what they both derive from the relationship. 

I'm trying folks. This is difficult for me to understand. And even harder to share with others. But this is a very real and embarrassing struggle. I just want to be able to help even one person along this journey. I look ahead and it's really hard to picture success. So, I'm hoping that this struggle with prove that I can do hard things. I can take it just one day at a time. And if I can do it, I promise you can. 

That's all for now! I don't post very often. I'm not much for blogs - I don't read them and I don't enjoy writing them. Maybe, tonight I just needed I vent, and the unseen eyes that might pass along this site feels like someone could be listening. 

Buenas Noches Queridos Amigos!

Ps my post title references my dear musically inclined Disney friend, Pocahontas. That's right. Not the real Pocahontas, the animated one. And that is my jam tonight. 

Sleep.

Something I don't understand... My husband can consistently get 6 hours of sleep a night for weeks and be perfectly fine, with just a touch of grouchy. But for me... I can't think or function. I feel sick to my stomach, my head is cloudy, thoughts aren't coherent and consistent, I have zero energy, and absolutely no motivation for anything. Brain is off and needs a nap. But then when I take some time to try and nap then my brain is running all over the place with things I should be doing. 

Well, in the words of MXPX, which I have quoted all too often in life; "Responsibility, what's that? Responsibility, not quite yet." 

Sisntciwlaltowtzgbrlwisycimeva. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Oopsies!

I actually completely forgot about this little blog!!

Quick catch up... It's been a rough start to the year, but I'm really positive this is going to be the best year!! I started seeing a therapist, and I have zero shame about it! In so many ways it is changing my view on life, my behaviors, and helping me see so much good in everything around me. The biggest step (which I know sounds SO cliche) is learning to love who I am. To love myself. It's not so easy, and so much of my struggle comes from childhood events that have shaped who I am in countless ways. Changing something you've been doing for 30 years is REALLY hard. But I'm optimistic and super excited!! 

Onto workout notes... I'm working to be a Zumba instructor again, which means back to working out almost everyday. It's hard getting back to that type of routine, but I remember how good it feels. So right now it's all about getting over the negativity that, "what good will this do anyway? So I'm just not gonna do it." And mustering up the courage to follow through and just hope. Here we go!

Down for the Count

The other day I woke up at 2am with gnarly tummy rumbles. Which, lead to an eventful day of pain and puking. It. Was. Awful. 

Sometimes, our low points prepare us for something higher, something better. I reached a low point in different ways that day. In short, my hours spent on the bathroom floor are metaphorically linked with my emotional well-being, too. 

No more negative details on that, it's just been rough. 

It's easier to realize all the things you really take for granted when you no longer have them in your possession. Usually, after a debilitating illness (regardless of time frame of having said illness) I bounce back into life full swing, especially with taking care of my health. Maybe, I needed to get low to be ready to hit high. Maybe, I just need to appreciate what I DO have and stop focusing on everything I don't and everything I wish I was. 

I also have my husband to thank for remembering to be grateful. Whether he will ever read this or not... thank you. Thank you for helping me see the good, remember what's great, and love what's happening in the now. I love you hubs. 

That's all. It's 1:30am and I'm fully awake but I def need some sleep. 😴