If I may...

I want to be completely transparent for a moment... which isn't too bad since no one follows this blog yet ;)

Today, I went to my favorite store (which is actually a teen store haha) and tried on their largest pair of jeans. Usually, their second largest size (11) fits me perfectly. But today the largest size for pants in the store did NOT fit me. This felt like an all time low for me. 

Ugh. How did such a large size become me anyway?

I haven't worked out since my first two days, it's hard, I dislike running. It's going to have to be a full mental makeover to get me to actually run. I love working out, I love high intensity, I love weights, but I just don't like to run. I know that's negative, maybe it's my last purge of negativity before the new year? I could go on and on, but I'll be done for now. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Here's what goes through my mind:

Every time I start working hard at working out, there comes a day when I get discouraged. And I think back to when I was working my butt off 6 days a week at turbofire workouts... doing that for 7 straight weeks, the only thing I lost was motivation. I didn't drop a single pound. 

Discouraging doesn't begin to cover what I felt. 

Now, when I get down about hard work and wondering if it's actually going to pay off, my experience with 7 weeks of working hard runs through my head... Why should I do all this work if I have done it and given my best in the past with zero results? Why? I know my eating habits aren't the best, that's where I struggle. I can workout, and I love to. But I suck at making healthy choices when it comes to food. 

That's a lofty task to take on for me, but I need to figure this out and just take the reins on my life and DO IT. 

UGH. 

The negativity starts creeping in...

This is all supposed to be about how strong the mind really is, but today has been such a struggle I can't find my optimism! Today, I ate poorly, I slept too long, and I didn't work out. I even joined a "paid challenge" on earndit.com to prove I could do it. I have officially missed 2 days. I know yesterday was Christmas, but that didn't really seem like a valid excuse not to exercise. Using the excuse, "oh that will be my day off" doesn't work either because I also didn't run or workout today.

Where is my mind? Where is my motivation? I'll tell ya where it's at... stuck on the fact that I ate burritos, chips and salsa for dinner.

So, now I'm on pinterest - pinning the life I want to have. Holy crap a moly... that sounds pathetic. Well, it's Christmas break and my mind is broken for the week I guess.

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And on the second day there was: OOOOWWWWWW!

Today, I followed the 5k training thing again. I made it all the way through! Honestly, the hardest part was just the fact that my calves were tight as rocks the entire time!

Calf tightness... Is this because of my shoes? I know I'm super out of shape, so that doesn't help. But could it be I'm running wrong?

What about my right foot getting all tingly and loosing feeling? Is that my shoe or me? I loosened my right shoe this morning hoping that would help, but by minute 25 I was feeling it again. I can't tell if I run incorrectly though. 

Someone told me once to buy a shoe that's at least one half size bigger than what you usually wear. Is that right? I wear a size 6 or 6.5 and my shoes are Nike size 6... could this have something to do with my right foot falling asleep? Poor circulation? Tight laces?

Anyway, it was a little rough, but I'm happy I completed the entire thing! I'm such a wuss. My breathing is lame, and sounds very uncontrolled. But I'm trying to keep good posture. 

I won't give up. I CAN do this. 

(Trying to erase the "this is hell" thoughts that kept going through my mind as I was jogging)

In the beginning there was: aching...

I am an advocate for any workout that has nothing to do with running. I have always said how I hate it and loathe it with a fiery passion. I've tried it a few times and did nothing but complain afterwards. 

But today... I decided to give it another go. I'm starting this blog with the hopes that this is something I will continue, and not let it be just a "one-post" blog and then be done with the whole running thing. 

Last night, I listened to my aunt and brother-in-law discussing a few men running across the Sahara. THE. SAHARA!! I can't even run 1 mile to save my life! But they went on to talk about how the mind is a powerful thing. My aunt Cindy is a big believer in the mind and what it can do... this has had me thinking about my loathingness for running. If I can't get past 1 mile, I know my body can, so therefore, it must all be in my head. 

So, today I took to the mighty treadmill! Which I prefer because I feel like it propels me forward (ie I work less). As I picked up the pace my calves tightened and burned, my breath became unsteady and short, and I wanted to stop after just 20 seconds or so. But I did not. I grabbed my phone and turned on one of those "couch to 5k" apps. I figured if any old fatty could do it, that means I can!

And that was the first time I told myself "I CAN." so suck it! crazy brain.

I followed what the app asked - walk 2 minutes, job 1 min - for about 25 minutes, then my right foot started to feel fuzzy. I wiggled it and tried to walk differently, but it was all tingly and weird. So, I decided to stop. BUT. I did 25 minutes! 

Now, my legs just ache. Like cray cray.

I will try again tomorrow... I CAN! so suck it.